Hope your holidays were great, ours sure were. We spent a ton of time hanging around with no pants on (hence the picture) eating platefuls and platefuls (seriously) of yummy food friends brought around. The naked food weeks were followed by a lovely trip to Arizona and the putting away of all things shiney and bright. I'll post more about Christmas later but right now I have more pressing matters to address. Like the matter of me not having a life.
So last week our stake was realigned. My little subdivision was moved to a new ward, so just a bit ago we had to go meet with the Bishopric for a getting to know you session. It was awkward. You know me, sometimes I'm lame. Sometimes things just come spewing out of my mouth and I can't stop them. Sometimes I seem like a bossy cow. Sometimes I seem like a deaf mute. I have a broad range of awesome social skills.
Anywho... so they ask us about our family and Dave starts talking about this and that and then his calling. Did he forget I specifically told him to NOT talk about callings in front of those who extend such horrific requests such as scout master and nursery worker?! In front of everyone I told him to not talk about callings. They all made a joke and moved on. Then after he was done I repeated again, "Lets not talk callings." They weren't talking callings, Dave wasn't talking callings, callings weren't on anyone elses mind even. I just spurt out in a matter of a five minute conversation at least five times that I don't need to talk about callings. Seriously. It came out of my mouth multiple times.
Then they asked me what I did besides being a stay at home mom. Huh. I thought and thought. I said, "um, um, um... huhmm...huhmm...huhmm". I came up with, " I like to cycle." Yup. That's it. And I don't even think biking around with the kids counts as cycling.
So pretty sure they think I'm a controlling crazy lady who hates to serve others and has no skills to share with the outside world.
Then I came home and felt like crap because I realized I was just such an idiot and I give off the worst first impressions, and most of all, that I don't DO anything.
I started thinking of all my friends who I am not at all like. Like Chellese. She's gotten into photography and is starting a business and trains for marathons and triathlons and takes my tree to the dump for me and brushes her hair on a daily basis. And like the girls down the street who work at Dr. offices for a few hours a week and help people with computers, and who've got their masters, and who ski and bike and run and make homemade bread, and make bows and tutus and paint and reappoalster and make homemade baby food and cut hair and speak three languages and do bookkeeping and nursing and dental work, and help troubled youth and volunteer at Boys and Girls Club, and on and on and on.
And daily I cook, clean, build train tracks, shower, cook, clean and play some more. Really. Everyday. All day. And notice shower is on my list of daily accomplishments. That's an accomplishment in my book.
How did it come to this?!
Oh wait. I know. Its cause four years ago I made a choice. And I didn't do it so wisely. Being a mom is the best and most important job to me, but along the way I somehow thought that I didn't need to do anything else. That I didn't want to do anything else. But that was a lie.
I want to take some art classes. I want to learn how to use my camera and photoshop. I want to become a runner, not an ellipticaller. I want to finish my Earth Science class and actually pass. I want to take cooking classes. I want to learn to sew me some drapes. I want, I want, I want. See that's my problem, If I even dabble in the wants, I seem to loose sight of what I need to be doing. I'm aweful at balancing.
So I have no resolution for my problem. It's still mulling around up in my empty head that can't even do a sudoku puzzle anymore.
So until I figure it out, count on me to be home cooking and cleaning and showering and now, add to the list most likely, teaching nursery.
Hats off to the rest of you! How you do it I don't understand. But the good news for you is that I'm always around if ya need me! There's something to be said about being the one who's around isn't there?
20 comments:
What a relief to know that someone feels the exact same way I do. I keep telling myself that I need a hobby. But I can't come up with anything that sticks! Ugh.
First of all, YAY, for an update.
Secondly, I just started brushing my hair recently. And, yes, I had to make it a goal because I had gone YEARS never brushing my hair. I was just thinking about how you must think I live in my robe because you've seen me in it so often. And, yes, I would live in my robe if I could.
Iliana, everything you do is worthwhile. You actually cook for your family! And really, and I'm totally serious about this, nothing is more important than playing with your kids.
I'm no good at balancing either. I guess my continual moto is flexibility and moving forward minutely. There's nothing to be impressed with here. Oh, except I did START brushing my hair. YAY for little goals!
Umm...I think you just summed up my whole life in that post! sad, isn't it? And I consider blogging my hobby...does that even count!?! ;)
First of all, I think everyone feels that way. I know I do! (And I definitely consider showering an accomplishment...some days, a huge accomplishment!) Secondly, people aren't always as put together and on top of things as they appear. And finally, you are amazing! Keep it up!
I know, I told Jon just to tell them about being a home teacher and a visiting teacher. He did not listen either. Every time I talk to my mom she tells me that I need to get a hobby. I am working on it. Iliana, you are an amazing mom and a wonderful friend... those are two great things.
Don't worry, I walked out of the bishops office feeling like a complete idiot!! Have you ever come to my house during the day?...Can you say PAJAMAS?!!!
I am so excited for this post by the way..I needed a good laugh.
It's funny how we view ourselves completely different than other people actually see us...Il, you know how AMAZING I think you are! And just the fact that you can write a post that makes me laugh really hard after a long Monday at school makes a difference to me! Thanks:) Love you!
You crack me up. Dido to everyone elses comments. There are days that I want to go out and get the mail but I'm afraid to go outside because one of you might be out there and see that it's 4 p.m. and I'm still in my pj's. So I wait for Arnold to get it when he comes home. How pathetic is that. Oh and by the way, I've only recently started showering everyday and that's only because I've been working out in the morning and well...I have to because I stink. I used to only shower if I had a client coming over or an appointment.
Hey, I've got a hobby for you. WRITE A BOOK!!! You are such a good writer! I loved your post! Keep up the good work, Mom. Your kids are very lucky to have a Mom that does nothing but cook, (very well too), clean, (I have never seen anything out of place in your house), and most importantly PLAY:) You're so great!!! Hope you enjoy nursery. Ha.
You are so funny. At least you answered your phone and went to meet with the bishop! I had a message and then it didn't say to call back so did I- nope...You know I always think you look adorable and I am impressed that you are OUTSIDE playing. Poor Sadie- at least we sometimes look out the window ;).
Holy cow!! I SO know how you feel. I used to have a life once upon a time, and I think back at all the things I used to do and accomplish and just think to myself...how in the world did I have the time or energy?? Sometimes I go a few days without seeing the light of day. I tell myself that at some point I'm going to have a life again, but who knows. Anyway, just know that you aren't the only one who feels that way, and know that I think you are amazing!!
Hooray you are alive!!!! I feel like I have too many hobbies right now. Want one?? I agree with Mikell, you SO should write a book. You are a fabulous writer!!!! Yes, to answer your question a while ago, let's get together!
I don't have any profound advise to give you other than there is no greater calling in life than a mommy. I totally know how it feels to feel like you have no life anymore and that your day consists of cleaning, cooking, entertaining children etc... but you are seriously an awesome person and I really agree with whoever said you should write a book or something. You are seriously a good writer. Very witty and entertaining. And by the way, doesn't book club make the hobby list? I mean come on.
You are way to funny!!! And by the way, you were a way better activity day leader than I was. That means you will get called to something else and I will be the nursery leader:)
I feel like this on a daily basis, somethimes I think I was placed on this earth to take care of kids, clean, cook, clean some more, run errands, take care of my husband, and clean some more. It's never ending and I feel like I accomplish nothing, so come hang out with me and we can do it together!!!
Don't think you are the only one who feels that way. I am exactly the same way, and when I do spend time doing other things, like when I am on the treadmill, I feel so guilty that my boys are just in their room playing. So you can't win no matter what it feels like as a mom. And as far as callings go, I understand your pain. I am going on almost 3 years as YW president and Johan was Elders Quorum president and just got released. And you think they would give one of us something smaller since my calling and his were so much work. But don't worry that they definitely called Johan to be on the High Council at age 28, so not much of a step down. Iliana, you are fabulous. Every time I see your blog I always think it looks like your boys are having so much fun and your life seems happy. And if your children are happy, you are obviously doing something right!
Iliana, you are great!! I am so jealous of all the things you get to do with your kids during the day...even if it's nothing at all. I hope to someday be like you!
Oh my word Illiana!!!! First of all, your list of what if's are all over-rated! (especially running:) i prefer the elliptical!:)
Second, you are just not SELFISH! I feel selfish, like i spend hours on the computer learning photoshop & ignoring my kids & house.
I know it's all about balance & they will grow up so fast. I ADMIRE YOU for focusing on them! (and Dave too:)
I have learned over the years that the grass is always greener...and more importantly, us women here in Utah sure do like to one each other up at times! It's hard to feel like you have to do it all....without having a nervous breakdown!
I love how honest you are:)!
Come over & we can learn photoshop together!:) Kristan is too. We can form a club:)
Love yoU!!!
p.s. Dave said your blog book is awesome, i want to see it!!!
OK, I've commented before if you recall, I'm a friend of Chari's. For sure we all feel the same way, but some of us roll our eyes when certain people say they feel the same way. I've heard that living in Utah, like Chari said, feels very competitive. I live in WI, so what do I know. (See I can't even write a coherent comment!) Anyway, a friend of mine in NC has a great blog- diapersanddivinity.com . Check it out. She has amazing insight and really helps her readers see the divinity in what we're doing as mothers. And she's funny.
Oh-
and I just got called as Nursery Leader.
I totally get you! The other day I was having lunch with two friends and one said, "so, what is happy in your life?" I had a million pictures flash before my eyes - piles of laundry, dirty toilets, screaming kids... etc. I said, "I was able to get food at the store this week." So ya, that's huge for me, but seriously! I need more happy! Hopefully the flood of emails that have been sent to you about how awesome you are stick! You really are amazing. You are my dr.phil or Oprah or something... I love your blogs. They are thereputic for me! I agree with Audrey - book club is a hobby! Love ya!
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